Disability, Hope and Motherhood

I am loving being home with my son these days. It has been a breath of fresh air. I feel like I can settle into where I would loved to have been all along. My quality of life has been gradually improving since standing up for what is right to create distinct, healthy boundaries. I have so many toxic relationships... work, family, friends.... it is wild. All of these wellness practices are for the benefit of me, myself, and mommy-me. When I found the angel of a counsellor in 2005/2006, I discovered upon exiting a deep, lifelong depression that I do want kids! However, and only because, I would teach them how to survive, live and thrive. Since the moment I felt him in my belly, he has been of so much importance to me. Even upon being diagnosed with fibromyalgia and endometriosis, I questioned motherhood. I believed in my heart of hearts that anything is possible! I know, especially now that he is older, we can work together to find a wonderful balance for him to enjoy life, be taught values, and just be a kid. 

I do not know what is coming next in my life... I am however enjoying the practice of quality moment awareness. I lived in incredible fear every time my son went away with his biological father because of my traumatic history with the sperm contributor. But, I also equally feared that saying it out loud would put my relationship with my son at risk. So, I practiced quality moment awareness when I was with my son to ensure that whatever time I spend with him is full of meaningful connection. This would mean leaving my phone on the table outside of his room, engaging in activities with a smile, and setting respectful boundaries. I still do this even now because of how wonderful it is to do. Even in the womb, I remember always being mindful of his presence as I hoped it would allow me to better surround him with love in a world full of hurt. I knew then we deserved better and that is my objective. However, somewhere along the way, I lost myself.

With all of that, I am setting myself a goal, for myself and my son. I have been teetering at the edge of disability and unemployment. However, I also have hope that there is another way. I suppose that is why I am writing a book, starting by assembling a project I have scattered across my digital landscape as only my scattered brain could muster at the time. Now, it is being organized and is making more sense. While I am working on this one, I am seeing the other books develop in my head. I see potential and promise. Could I make my way as a writer? Could I find a way to have the ultimate life to spend life laughing with my child and affording my self-care? Yes! I deserve all of that. My son and I deserve it and I am capable of making it happen. Does it matter exactly how I make it happen? Fuck no! Whatever is exactly right for me is happening. Simple, right? It takes believing and doing the work. Do the work that leads you in the direction of dreams. For me, today, writing this post definitely counts as a work towards my dreams.

What counts for you today?