Mama said yes to checking-in when she could have checked out
Looks like I started this post on the 24th, three days ago now. I am still processing my emotions in all of my decisions. I am going through the phase of standing up for my decision and backing it up. Also just allowing people space because relationships splitting is always a tricky subject, especially when there are insecurities. You never know who holds these kinds of insecurities, so always be kind and prepared to allow latitude and space.
I saw the abyss just over a week ago. Where my mental state went was not cool. I had been betraying myself for quite some time and could not go through a week without being triggered by my partner, even unintentionally. Politely speaking, our love languages did not match and we feel into unhealthy patterns of misunderstandings further incensed by unfortunate past histories. I have a son that I need to consider. I do not want him growing up repeating hurtful patterns. This is important for me. So, I made the decision. I am clear: I do not want my son to grow up watching be mistreated, even if unintentionally. I deserve better than that and so does my partner. It's been wild to get through. On Thursday, I came back home and had the difficult conversation that really was no surprise. On Tuesday he made the last trip. I scared myself so badly into being into a place where I could withstand the guilt-trips, the questions, and the looks. I stood as an oak tree and did it all, gracefully.
You see, I do not wish ill-will on anyone! I always want to exit as peacefully as possible when it becomes quite clear and obvious what must happen. It takes time to come to that full decision, months and months. He told me what he wanted and left the decision up to me. With that, I had to approach it as constructively as possible. Co-dependency holds on very, very tight. So, one must be prepared. My position: I want to salvage what remains and I ultimately wish him well. Even more importantly, I cannot continue to sacrifice myself and my entire life for one person. It does not math and never did for me. I suppose, that is growing up watching a co-dependent relationship between an enabler and alcoholic throughout my life that I vowed to get out of if I saw it happen to myself. Well, even with the changes a person can do, it sometimes is not enough to heal from the damage done. I understand so much more than I did before, including about my own parents.
I am better equipped now. Three years ago I was in a really bad place. Probably in post-partum depression. He wasn't much better off as alone as he felt and having rejected all is friends in effort to save what remained of himself. We met not when I was in full form. When my full form starting shining through, he would say that he is afraid he would not be able to keep up with me. So, in a way contrary to my nature, I relented and held back. Really, I learned how to do this in grade school. Kept myself a little smaller to protect myself. Sad really, this learned behaviour. These cycles continued and evolved into different forms as improvements happened. But the cycles continued often enough, with enough frequency to notice.
How does a victim protect themselves? Be informed and journal and talk to friends and, my personal favourite, implement a fourth voice in your head that you check in with every so often. In that fourth-voice, you keep a list of what makes up you! It is helpful to check in every so often to make sure than none of then are being compromised. If they are not, eventually you may check in less and less. It is wonderful. However, when the statistics reports are favourable, decisions must be made. Hard decisions. Taking time and being patient with that decision is important. Plan it, figure out what kind of mental spaces need to be created, and then when you get that burst of opportunity go for it. Weathering it is hard.... I am exhausted but recovering. So it is a happy sore/exhausted for once.
I am grateful for the reminders of my strength lately. Of my potential, of my intelligence. I started wearing my university graduation rings (Bachelor of Arts with Honours in Sociology and a Masters of Library and Information Studies) to remind me. I stare through them every time I thumb text on my phone. Subtle but effective ways to quietly remind oneself. I am grateful for finding little ways to remember myself. The universe listens to these little ways and helps along. I am grateful for all the wonderful rewards since making this very difficult decision. My heart still breaks about it, quite honestly. I haven't changed my facebook status and I am still wearing my ring. What's great, is I get to take my time with it. Which means I can give my son time and space too. I am blessed.
I saw the abyss just over a week ago. Where my mental state went was not cool. I had been betraying myself for quite some time and could not go through a week without being triggered by my partner, even unintentionally. Politely speaking, our love languages did not match and we feel into unhealthy patterns of misunderstandings further incensed by unfortunate past histories. I have a son that I need to consider. I do not want him growing up repeating hurtful patterns. This is important for me. So, I made the decision. I am clear: I do not want my son to grow up watching be mistreated, even if unintentionally. I deserve better than that and so does my partner. It's been wild to get through. On Thursday, I came back home and had the difficult conversation that really was no surprise. On Tuesday he made the last trip. I scared myself so badly into being into a place where I could withstand the guilt-trips, the questions, and the looks. I stood as an oak tree and did it all, gracefully.
You see, I do not wish ill-will on anyone! I always want to exit as peacefully as possible when it becomes quite clear and obvious what must happen. It takes time to come to that full decision, months and months. He told me what he wanted and left the decision up to me. With that, I had to approach it as constructively as possible. Co-dependency holds on very, very tight. So, one must be prepared. My position: I want to salvage what remains and I ultimately wish him well. Even more importantly, I cannot continue to sacrifice myself and my entire life for one person. It does not math and never did for me. I suppose, that is growing up watching a co-dependent relationship between an enabler and alcoholic throughout my life that I vowed to get out of if I saw it happen to myself. Well, even with the changes a person can do, it sometimes is not enough to heal from the damage done. I understand so much more than I did before, including about my own parents.
I am better equipped now. Three years ago I was in a really bad place. Probably in post-partum depression. He wasn't much better off as alone as he felt and having rejected all is friends in effort to save what remained of himself. We met not when I was in full form. When my full form starting shining through, he would say that he is afraid he would not be able to keep up with me. So, in a way contrary to my nature, I relented and held back. Really, I learned how to do this in grade school. Kept myself a little smaller to protect myself. Sad really, this learned behaviour. These cycles continued and evolved into different forms as improvements happened. But the cycles continued often enough, with enough frequency to notice.
How does a victim protect themselves? Be informed and journal and talk to friends and, my personal favourite, implement a fourth voice in your head that you check in with every so often. In that fourth-voice, you keep a list of what makes up you! It is helpful to check in every so often to make sure than none of then are being compromised. If they are not, eventually you may check in less and less. It is wonderful. However, when the statistics reports are favourable, decisions must be made. Hard decisions. Taking time and being patient with that decision is important. Plan it, figure out what kind of mental spaces need to be created, and then when you get that burst of opportunity go for it. Weathering it is hard.... I am exhausted but recovering. So it is a happy sore/exhausted for once.
I am grateful for the reminders of my strength lately. Of my potential, of my intelligence. I started wearing my university graduation rings (Bachelor of Arts with Honours in Sociology and a Masters of Library and Information Studies) to remind me. I stare through them every time I thumb text on my phone. Subtle but effective ways to quietly remind oneself. I am grateful for finding little ways to remember myself. The universe listens to these little ways and helps along. I am grateful for all the wonderful rewards since making this very difficult decision. My heart still breaks about it, quite honestly. I haven't changed my facebook status and I am still wearing my ring. What's great, is I get to take my time with it. Which means I can give my son time and space too. I am blessed.
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