The resting space between things
I am exploring my posture and body again recently. I have started to prioritize myself and the love I have for myself once again. It has been a painful process as it has been like waking up from a nightmarish dream of many years long. Many wonderful events occurred during that time, but really, I suffered a hell of a lot. I was locked into victim/survivor mode with all the wrongs kinds of external supports. It was not a pleasant place to be. There was trauma bonding, depression bonding, and a life spend in rumination hell because of the trauma I had suffered and had only barely worked through. I look back now and go, "what the fuck?". I broke a lot of promises to myself along the way, I will be honest. I tried to hold my ground but the fear... oh, the fear. I locked out and locked myself into a space between things that no one wishes to live in for any period of time. It haunts the spirit in a way that erodes the brain and body. It all comes around and shows up. That is in part why I must show up! Everything that haunts me will show up whether I show up or not. I decide to show up to get some sort of chance of wellness: wellness is a practice. So, I am practicing posture and reconnection with my body.
Active practice is something I did not really stop doing, if I actually stop to think about it. Practice became absorbed into daily life. In the space between things, I do exercise movements and little things to practice mental capacities. I know that if I do not practice keeping my fingers straight, they curl. I know that if I do not practice awareness of my shoulders, they start to stoop like Great Aunt Clara's. Even awareness is a practice! Those with chronic pain probably cringe like I do at the thought of bringing more awareness to your pain. It is so counter-intuitively awesome what I discovered in CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) and mindfulness practices is that leaning into the pain in the awareness feels so good! It's like getting a pain spirit massage. However, it takes energy to remember to practice and then having the energy to actually practice and then have the energy to recover. It is a bit of a vicious cycle that way, but okay.
Right now I am resting in the space between gainfully employed and lots of question marks. I had one idea, society has its influences, and life has wound up being something else entirely. I am totally the kind of person that can roll with things, but goddamn I can put up with bullshit only for so long. I am tired, existentially. Existentially fatigue tips the scales of the pain fatigue. Exhaustion on top of exhaustion. I am healing though. Even though I feel all kinds of uncomfortable, I am well.
Well, this is where I am sitting for the moment, resting in that space between things, staying hopeful and inspired. I am rejecting the idea of playing small but have a ball and chain attached to my ankles, waist, and wrists. Unpleasant and uncomfortable at all times. It is like believing your houdini at all times and practiicng the skills to make sure that you can pull it off if absolutely necessary. On edge, ready to go, any time. Yet... nested, so safely nested. I practice all of these things to be happy even with it all.
Active practice is something I did not really stop doing, if I actually stop to think about it. Practice became absorbed into daily life. In the space between things, I do exercise movements and little things to practice mental capacities. I know that if I do not practice keeping my fingers straight, they curl. I know that if I do not practice awareness of my shoulders, they start to stoop like Great Aunt Clara's. Even awareness is a practice! Those with chronic pain probably cringe like I do at the thought of bringing more awareness to your pain. It is so counter-intuitively awesome what I discovered in CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) and mindfulness practices is that leaning into the pain in the awareness feels so good! It's like getting a pain spirit massage. However, it takes energy to remember to practice and then having the energy to actually practice and then have the energy to recover. It is a bit of a vicious cycle that way, but okay.
Right now I am resting in the space between gainfully employed and lots of question marks. I had one idea, society has its influences, and life has wound up being something else entirely. I am totally the kind of person that can roll with things, but goddamn I can put up with bullshit only for so long. I am tired, existentially. Existentially fatigue tips the scales of the pain fatigue. Exhaustion on top of exhaustion. I am healing though. Even though I feel all kinds of uncomfortable, I am well.
Well, this is where I am sitting for the moment, resting in that space between things, staying hopeful and inspired. I am rejecting the idea of playing small but have a ball and chain attached to my ankles, waist, and wrists. Unpleasant and uncomfortable at all times. It is like believing your houdini at all times and practiicng the skills to make sure that you can pull it off if absolutely necessary. On edge, ready to go, any time. Yet... nested, so safely nested. I practice all of these things to be happy even with it all.
Comments
Post a Comment