Viability of Me

I am not a viable business if I am not viable as a person because The unLibrarian is me: I am my business. Viable means capable of working successfully; feasible. So, this has required a huge step back to really take a look at the viability of The unLibrarian.

 

The last few months haven’t gone well or planned for everyone. I got a few extra surprises in there, such as my ex-husband pissing all over my house sale assets and then lighting them on fire. My anxiety levels have been going down because I am now living in a better, healthier location. I am being triggered less for my cptsd and such. But when I do get triggered… ooo boy, it’s easier, by far, but still is tricky to navigate. This last one had me shaking in my bones enough that I know that it’s time to make some more hard decisions. Otherwise, the alternative would suck very much for a lot of people who love me very, very much. So, back to how my business is only as viable as I am: how do I make myself viable?

 

I start from scratch. My rent is 1500$ a month. I receive 2550$ a month for being self-employed, child support and child benefit. I can barely stretch 1050$ a month for cell, internet, power, insurance, groceries & necessities, as long as I stay very aware. I can only make that work if I get rid of all consumer debts and my vehicle. So, I have sent inquiries to a bankruptcy firm and informed my car creditor that I can no longer afford the vehicle. I can probably source a vehicle by the Fall on which I only need to have PLPD insurance (very basic insurance).

 

I am making 14$ an hour for my dedicated 25 hours of work a week self-employed (and I am sure that I put in more than 25 hours a week). All earnings increase my hourly wage. I really want to keep working and need all income possible to keep going, so I will keep doing that as The unLibrarian. I am going to keep building on NUANS and move fully to online activities, which will make not having a vehicle less of a nuisance. I am going to keep working on my book so that by the time I am done the self-employment program, I will have earnings from a published book. I will keep building content so that I will have the income down the road. I have to do things that grow my heart right now because it is so very shattered and hurt by everything in the world. I know that sounds over the top, but then I am glad that most people do not have to live with demons in their head telling me that I am better off dead and providing the recipe on how to execute the horrible task. I have lived with this for years, hide and manage it well, this is not a new thing for me, but it has been way worse with the post-trauma and post-partum depression. Now that I am on the brink of losing everything, you can well imagine where my brain has been trying to take me. I am grateful to be able to see beyond the shadows just enough to keep living and go sit with a friend who really understands and was able to look at me dead on to ask me if I need to go to the hospital. I said I need to come up with a better plan than what’s in my head. So, that’s what we did.

 

It is time for a reset with some support. That support comes from the self-employment program. I will work on gaining support from a doctor to work with me in appealing CPP Disability. I did a lot of research into the program and I may not have to stay on it forever. It will, however, give me that space that I have been needing for a damn long time. I was going to say that I need to heal, but really, I need time to rebuild. I need time to reset and get my affairs in order. It is time to move forward. It is time to be able to enjoy life with my son and write and read again. Hell, make jewelry again. Who knows, maybe while waiting for CPP Disability again, I build myself back up enough by eliminating debts and built up enough business as The unLibrarian that I can keep out of that particular government system. I will stash away that hope for now. It also may be very welcome and timely once I am approved. Either way, right now, I need to get myself to functional.

 

My goal has always been to be a functional member of society. This was established when I first considered my own identify a person with disabilities at the end of high school when I applied to scholarships, however, my disabilities list has grown, and I am now a single mother. So, it’s time for a redefining. Well, first off, I am definitely not functional if I am dead. Therefore, it is time for me to redefine what I mean by functional. Functional definitely includes alive. Functional is caring for my son in ensuring he is fed, clothed, sheltered, and happy. Functional does not have to do with my career anymore. Functional does not have a place in finances anymore. Functional is waking up and going to bed being able to say, “today is a good day”. Functional is contributing what I can, as I can, while I can in my own little ways which is primarily online these days. Functional is holding wonderful conversations with my friends and family. Functional is being okay with being different, not fitting in, and being comfortable in my own skin.

 

Can I answer the question of whether or not The unLibrarian is a viable business? Yes, once I am viable, The unLibrarian is viable. It is time to start from scratch and rebuild my life.