Alternative Adventures in Therapy

I decided to finally do it - after asking for professionally assistance, after being fed up with feeling lousy, after more episodes than I can count, after a ton of research over several months - I am trying Lithium Orotate (1000mcg). Why now? A super low dose option came out on the market and popped up on my phone when I was in a moment of able to afford it and willing to try it while I am also in therapy. Plus, I firmly believe combo of therapy and meds yields best results. 

Eve of day one - take one capsule before bed and feel pleasantly ready for sleep. 

Day 1 - The frustration is hanging on for dear life. It's scared. For the first time in yeeeaaarss I was able to react rather than dismiss to an unpleasant feeling. I hated the feeling of stuff on my feet from the floor and, usually I would simple just brush off my feet while muttering complaints and move on, well instead I actually went and got the broom and swept the kitchen floor. Like holy moly - I could actually react rather than suppress. 

Eve of day two - take one capsule before bed and yawn and look forward to sleep. 

Day 2 - Wake up feeling decent and not as anxious even though there were tasks waiting in my brain. Again, I was able to clean and react rather than suppress and move on. I makes me laugh really, feeling capacity to do something about my situation. I still get irritated as a parent but decide to change that instead and flat out said that I will not be the mom who yells. We talked and we both cleaned up our areas. It's getting easier. I have been hauling myself to clean with crazy efforts for weeks now and today it came more naturally. 

I feel some hope in this, I do. I know the more even keel that I can be, the easier it is for my son to learn self-regulation. I tell him I choose not to yell at him. I choose not to disrespect him and especially not myself. I feel awful when I cannot respond the way I wish to do so. I have learned how to respond and fix after and learn to do better, as I also teach my son. I totally recognize that some things do not come easily but they can be chosen and it gets easier. I am glad to be able to better model for him when I am less depressed. 

Let's see how the next few weeks go.